


take me to church

by dontyoucrynomore



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drama, M/M, POV Second Person, Romance, also all lowercase because it looks nice and fits the purpose of the prose imo, but like it's destiel man these two istg, melodrama more like, warning for an abundance of commas and a host of run-on sentences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 00:48:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3189560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontyoucrynomore/pseuds/dontyoucrynomore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"dean, who exudes guilt, self-loathing, bitterness, but also loyalty, sacrifice, love. you cannot understand how he has not yet imploded under the force of his own hatred, because you only sense it and you are overwhelmed; you cannot understand how he has not yet imploded under the force of his own compassion, because you only sense it and you are overwhelmed."</p><p>What Cas feels from the moment he lays eyes on Dean Winchester to when he rebels for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	take me to church

**Author's Note:**

> for Onja. happy birthday, bro. 
> 
> capital-H He/His refers to god. 
> 
> unbeta-d so blame me for any and all overall shittiness.

you are told you must go to hell to save a human and you don’t understand why He wants you to risk the lives of your brethren to save a human, a _man_ , of all creatures. it is not your place to question, though, not your place to doubt, because an order has been given and you are loyal, you are obedient, you are good. 

so you fight your way through hell, your wings fraying, your soldiers wounded, until you see the soul you are tasked to save.

he is flayed, frayed, torn, shattered, but _so bright_. his soul pulses with life, pulses with pain, grief, and you reach down, hand outstretched as you say: “Dean Winchester, you are saved.” 

he opens his eyes—so green, terrified, _human_ —and sobs.

you cradle his soul, try to heal it as best you can, and then you are gone in a flash of pure light.

your own form is not as bright as the human’s soul, you think. 

***

the human is stubborn, unfaithful, bitter, guilty, foolish, and arrogant. rude. undermining. he seems to insult you and everything you stand for every chance he gets.

you do not understand, then, why you are so fascinated by him.

perhaps it is the way he refuses to stop, even though his weariness, his pain, bleeds out of him. perhaps it is the way he is determined to get in the midst of every battle, no matter how large or small the enemy, even though you feel how much he wants to stop. perhaps it is the way he keeps on fighting, pushing, sacrificing, even though you know how much he wants to curl up and hide. 

perhaps it is the way he _cares_ , so much—so much, his soul pulses with it. so much, it leaks out of him, out of every gruff, sarcastic word he says, out of every glance. 

you watch him, telling yourself you are just doing your duty. that you are not here to watch his soul, his determination to save everyone and hurt no one, but to make sure he does not stray from the path. 

but you are starting to see why He wanted this man saved, and it is worrying, to say the least.

***

you have never much cared for humans. it was always gabriel who adored them, but you have always seen them as _crude_ , the way they are willing to kill and and hunt their own for the pettiest of reasons. 

you are starting to wonder why you had not paid attention to them before.

they are unlike anything you have ever seen. so… _volatile_. with their emotions, words, choices—predictably unpredictable.

it is terrifying, but oddly intoxicating. or, what you assume being intoxicated is like. 

you begin to pay them more attention, noticing how horridly they treat others—you had to step in, once, when a group of men had been after a young girl; you did not need to be an angel to know what they wanted to do—but also how much they care, how much they _love_. you can see it in the way they fight, struggle, think, move, _feel_. 

they are _different_ , so different to anything you have known, anything you have seen, and you cannot help but be baffled by how they fight to create a better world even though they will turn around and destroy it themselves, how weak they are, how stubborn, how resilient. how they repeat their mistakes, but learn, too. 

how they hurt; how they heal. you look at them, and your vessel’s chest _twinges_ , for some reason. 

you understand, then, why gabriel adored them. 

***

you tell yourself your newfound appreciation for humanity has nothing to do with him. with dean winchester. 

dean, who exudes guilt, self-loathing, bitterness, but also loyalty, sacrifice, love. you cannot understand how he has not yet imploded under the force of his own hatred, because you only sense it and you are overwhelmed; you cannot understand how he has not yet imploded under the force of his own compassion, because you only sense it and you are overwhelmed. 

in the same breath, he will insult you, berate you, and then look at you with such concern and tenderness you feel almost dizzy. he will blaspheme left and right, and then stand in the front lines against the devil. act so selfishly, and then sacrifice himself selflessly.

he exudes so much _humanity_ , he’s so _human_ , it is unsettling. disarming. 

amazing.

 

***

you tell him things you have never have, things you never would.

you tell him about your doubts, fears, your _emotions,_ and the fact that you’re feeling means this has gone too far, means you have to back away, retreat, because you are too close, too near, too invested, and you can’t _care_. you can’t, because he is just a man, a tool, not—not _dean_. they tell you what they are planning, what dean must do, and you bring him the message, reminding yourself why you are here, why you are on earth.

he looks at you with his green, green eyes and tells you he won’t do it, he will not host michael, and you argue, debate, but you know, you _know_ you will not force him, you won’t leave him, you will not hurt him. you’re too close. 

you are not the only one who notices.

***

they tell you you’re too close to the humans in your charge, that you haven’t done fulfilled your duty. 

you’re close to corruption, they don’t say, but it’s implied, implied in every glance, in every weighted word, and you wonder—you wonder, staring at their stony, impassive faces, at their emotionless eyes, when you stopped caring about that.

when you started _caring_ at all. 

you’re a soldier, though, you’re His, and you tell Dean you can’t do it anymore, ignoring the look he gives you— _hurt_ , and you hate how you have put that there—ignoring the words he throws at you— _harsh_ , and you deserve them—and leave him, alone— _hollow_ , you feel, but you aren’t _supposed_ to feel. 

but when you leave him, you know, you know you won’t be able to stay away.

you know exactly how stuck you are. 

***

you rebel.

you abandon everything you have been taught, everything you are told, everything you _are;_ you abandon everyone you know, turn on your brothers and sisters, and you do it all—all of it—for him.

for the broken, foolish, inspiring _human_ you saved, the human that saved you, because you have come to a realization, you have come to understand: you’re no longer His. 

you are his. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ta-da! aren't you _so glad_ you spent almost five minutes reading this?? anyway, thanks for reading, please let me know what you thought!


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